Yesterday I woke to loud laughter and jumping on a bed. Most Saturdays the girls make their way downstairs fairly quietly, and flip on the tv or the computer. The excitement in the air on this particular morning was all about the Father-Daughter dance that evening…
After helping the girls get dressed, hair done, and bejeweled – I waved goodbye as they went out to dinner with John and I drove to the school to help with preparations for the event. I was happy to be a fly on the wall at the dance, peeking in at them dancing with John and their friends. John left early, 8:15ish, since Olivia was falling asleep; Caroline stayed with me until the end and helped us clean up.
When I got home, I checked the mail – there was an envelope from Capital Caring – the hospice service that cared for my mom. “You are halfway through the first year of life without your loved one”. As I read on, they described many of my thoughts and feelings of late – including “a greater need to express” yourself – is this where the seed for this blog was planted?
I pulled myself upstairs to get ready for bed and spotted a card on my bedside table. The cover was a beautiful Japanese-style reed of bamboo and the Emily Dickinson quotation was next to it. It was a card from John’s brother, Jeff. He’d given it to John at my mother’s funeral, John put it in his suit pocket and didn’t discover it again until last night after the dance.
Every day is a day of reminders of Mom – maybe not so “in your face” as yesterday, but I see her in everything. How she would have loved the pictures of the girls with John at the dance, the yoga class I took this morning, the knitting project I’m working on..she has achieved her immortality as she lives on in everything I see and do.
When I started this blog, I wanted to pretend it was about a cookbook or being a better baker, but it can’t help being about grieving. Hopefully not overtly, as I cringe at the self-indulgence. Maybe I can see the grief just as the waves that will buoy me up, carrying me to where I am supposed to go.